Ah love! According to Owen Wilson’s character in the film ‘Wedding Crashers’, love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpart in another. Sweet sentiment. We’d all like to believe that. Sadly, the truth is more prosaic. In reality, love is the soul’s acceptance that it’s not going to do any better than what it’s currently faced with so might as well just bite the bullet, buckle down and get on with it before we’re too old and liable to die alone surrounded by cats without ever having fulfilled our biological imperative of procreating. Or am I just disillusioned?

It’s different with famous people, though. Isn’t it funny how famous people seem only to date other famous people. Actors marry actresses who marry sports stars who marry rock stars who marry politicians who marry industrialists and so on and so forth. It all sounds a bit suspect.

The most important attribute that women look for in a man is (apparently) sense of humour. If that is the case, Nicolas Sarkozy – a SPURMO for a couple of months last year – must be flipping hilarious. Or is there another explanation…

INT. OFFICE – DAY – SPRING 2007
Printed on the door: MAURICE SCHWARTZ – MATCHMAKER TO THE STARS. A tall, elegant, blonde woman opens the door. A bald man smoking a cigar sits behind a power desk. A bank of windows offers a view of downtown Manhattan.

MAURICE: Carla baby. Come in. Take a seat. You look fantastic.

CARLA BRUNI: Of course I do. I have incredible genes and moisturise.

She sits down. Lights a cigarette.

CARLA: So what do you have for me?

MAURICE: You’re going to love this one.

She cocks a sceptical eyebrow at Maurice.

MAURICE: Don’t give me that look. I delivered you Mick Jagger and Eric Clapton, didn’t I?

CARLA: OK, you’re a genius. Now hit me.

MAURICE (with a flourish): Nicolas Sarkozy.

Carla laughs. Maurice doesn’t. Carla stops laughing.

CARLA: You’re kidding, right? Sarkozy? Little fellow? Looks like a vampire bat?

MAURICE: He’s the President of France.

CARLA: Was his last job making toys in Lapland?

MAURICE: Come on…

CARLA: Or an extra in a new production of The Wizard of Oz?

MAURICE: Please…

CARLA: He should be sitting in a garden by a pond with a fishing rod.

MAURICE: I get it. He’s not the tallest. I’ll get him special shoes with lifts.

CARLA: Yeah, I don’t think so.

MAURICE: Stop focusing on the negatives. The man’s a snappy dresser, does card tricks, has a wicked sense of humour.

CARLA: It certainly was amusing when he sent in armed riot police to deal with peaceful demonstrators.

MAURICE: What can I say, he’s a passionate man.

CARLA: The public will never buy it. I mean, look at me then look at him.

MAURICE: Hey, they bought Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. They bought Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. The bought Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed. Trust me they’ll buy you and Sarko.

CARLA: So what’s the deal?

MAURICE: First class travel. Palace in Paris. Meet the leaders of the free world.

Carla shrugs. Unimpressed.

MAURICE: Leading role in a hostage release?

CARLA: You have my attention…

MAURICE: I thought so.

CARLA: I assume I get medical and dental?

MAURICE: Naturally.

CARLA: What about sex?

MAURICE: I’m sure if you ask nicely…

CARLA: Don’t make me vomit.

MAURICE: That can be negotiated as long as you’re affectionate in public.

CARLA: How long are we talking?

MAURICE: A couple of years at most. The break up can coincide with the release of your album. And, if we work this carefully, you can have Tom Cruise when Katie Holmes’s contract is up in 2011.

CARLA: You handled Tom and Katie?

MAURICE (with a knowing wink): No! It was fate. A great love story. Like Bruni and Sarkozy. Incubus hd The Matador dvd Taken download

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