I have discovered where SPURMOs come to die. Los Angeles. But it’s not a SPURMO heaven for the reasons you think.

You think Los Angeles is a SPURMO heaven because it’s a Mecca for every prettiest-girl-in-high-school from every small town across the United States and Canada. You think it’s because the streets abound with ex-cheerleaders, ex-prom queens and ex-girlfriends-of-captains-of-football-teams. Although this is true and it is delightful, it is not the reason why LA is a SPURMO heaven.

You think it’s because these beautiful young things keep themselves at their fittest and prettiest at all times so that the camera and casting directors will look favourably upon them? Again, it’s not a bad thing, but that’s not the reason either.

Is LA a SPURMO heaven because the self-esteem of these beautiful girls takes a daily battering as they’re turned down for job after job making them easy prey for manipulative men? I know that sounds like a wonderful prospect, but sorry, wrong again.

And it’s not because of the low calibre of the competition for women’s attention. Although it is astounding how the bars teem with the grown up versions of the nerdiest-guy-in-high-school from every high school in America, that’s not the reason either.

The reason that LA is such a haven for right-minded SPURMOs is that all those former nerdiest-guys-in-high-school spend all their time and effort chasing the former prettiest-girls-in-high-school. They are focused like laser beams on the actresses and models who just might fall for their shtick and be impressed / fooled enough by the tiny amount of influence that the guy wields in the film industry to actually sleep with him.

Their attention is entirely targeted at the sort of girl they couldn’t shag in high school: the popular types who copied their homework but never invited them to parties. These guys are the kids who had their faces pressed against the candy store window, but who now have free rein to run riot behind the counter.

And this is why LA is a SPURMO heaven:

The majority of guys are so preoccupied with feasting on the empty calories in the candy shop, they don’t see the shop next door. And the shop next door is packed to the rafters with intelligent, fun, educated, witty, ambitious women. These are the female producers, agents, managers, executives, designers, lawyers, writers, directors, artists, casting directors, marketing execs, etc. It is an untapped mine. And because the standards of attractiveness are obviously so high in LA, these women work damn hard to look fantastic, keeping themselves fit, healthy and well groomed. And yet, the competition for these far better women is almost nil.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for candy. I have a sweet tooth myself. And a trip to the candy store is a wonderful thing. But I have friends for whom the point of sex seems to be about 40% enjoyment of the act itself and 60% the ability to email photos of the girl the next day to their friends.

Some of my friends will never outgrow this stage… and I admit I do look forward to their emails.

The Count of Monte Cristo buy

• голова болит секс

• голова болит секс