Many people are complaining about a lowering of standards in our education system now that the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority has decided to allow McDonalds to hand out GCSE’s and A-levels along with burgers and fries. But I say, why not. How can it be a bad thing to help no-hopers to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. From my own personal experiences with staff in fast food restaurants, I would suggest they start with a GCSE in acne management and follow it up with a course in enunciation. But after that, it’s up to them. It would be interesting, one day, to see people with McDegrees in positions of authority. For example…
INT. BANK – DAY
A BANK MANAGER sits at his desk. Looks extremely respectable in a dark suit and tie. A CLIENT, early 20’s, comes in and takes a seat opposite him.
CLIENT: Hello, I’d like a mortgage please.
BANKER: Which one?
The Banker points to a colourful chart hanging behind him. Different mortgage offers are illustrated.
CLIENT: Ooh, I’ll go for a number four.
The Banker checks over his shoulder.
BANKER: It’ll be five minutes for that.
CLIENT: Oh. In that case… I’ll have a… number three.
BANKER: Certainly, sir. Legal fees and survey?
CLIENT: Um…
BANKER: It’s better value to buy them together than separately.
CLIENT: Oh, well… what the hell.
BANKER: Excellent.
CLIENT: But no insurance.
BANKER: Not a problem… Want me to supersize that?
CLIENT: What do you mean?
BANKER: I give you a mortgage that’s 20% bigger than the one you want.
CLIENT: I’m already asking for five times my earnings. Are you sure that’s OK?
BANKER: Happy to oblige, sir.
CLIENT: Great.
BANKER: Is that for here or to take away when the introductory offer expires?
CLIENT: I’ll be too lazy to take it away.
BANKER: That’s what we count on.
The Banker leans into his telephone microphone and presses a button.
BANKER (into mic): One 2 year, index-linked, capped, supersize mortgage meal. Hold the insurance. For here.
CLIENT: Thanks.
BANKER: Just wait over there, please, so I can help the next person in line.
CLIENT: I’m lovin’ it.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I’m still crying … last night yelling at the tennis, tonight laughing tears reading this. Fantastic.