Do you remember a time when you and your friends roamed free in great herds like the bison dominating the open plains of the American West? Have you watched your friends picked off, one by one, like blue whales in Japanese fishing waters? Have you witnessed the senseless uprooting of wine racks for shoe racks and pool tables for dressing tables like the Brazillian rain forests being cleared for strip mines?

If so, then you are a SPURMO: Straight Proud UnmaRried Male Over-30. And you are part of a dying breed.

If we were the blue-balled Bahamian jungle sloth or the squat nippled arctic fruit bat, do-gooders would be rattling tins outside of tube stations and petitioning world leaders to raise awareness of our plight. And yet the tragedy of our annihilation is going by unnoticed.

We want the SPURMO to be appreciated. We deserve to be protected as much as - if not more than – other endangered species. If the last 60 Californian Condors are suddenly wiped off the face of the Earth, it wouldn't effect anyone's life. But without SPURMO's entire industries would crumble: luxury car and watch manufacturers, champagne makers, high end electronics, overpriced romantic restaurants, hair growth research & development, etc. How sad and lacking the world would be without such luminary historical SPURMOs as Voltaire, Beethoven and the Wright brothers. If you are a SPURMO, be proud! We have contributed so much to the world.

It is time to stand up and be counted... then probably sit down again, maybe have a drink and possibly take a nap.

- The Chairman